Remarkable People

Conversations That Compose Us

There’s a popular quote, trafficked by motivational speakers, coaches, and optimization folks, that has stayed with me since I first heard it. It goes something like “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” The reason it holds is that as someone who leans social constructionist, I do believe there is some truth to it. However, in the context it is often used, it never sat right with me.

After having some time to think about it I think the reason is that this saying often becomes a form of self-improvement consumerism. The potential trouble is that people will start evaluating relationships according to productivity, status, ambition, or influence. Forgetting that human lives are more complicated and richer than that.

I recently read the book Foundations of Scenario Planning: The Story of Pierre Wack. I find Pierre Wack a fascinating person with a storied career and life. Early in his life he crossed paths with the mystical teacher G.I. Gurdjieff where he learned about the idea of “remarkable men.” Gurdjieff felt it was important to seek out remarkable people who could guide his search for hidden knowledge and ancient wisdom. A blending of adventure with spiritual philosophy. After his time with Gurdjieff, Wack would make this practice part of his career and life. He would actively seek people who could help him perceive what others missed. In his case remarkable people were not necessarily successful people. He would seek out Zen master’s and Vedanta guru’s as well as thinkers at the edge. His remarkable people were often people carrying different experiences, perspectives, or sensitivities. Their value was not what they could do for him, but what they helped him to see.

Looking back over my life, I think I have always had similar practice. It has been less of “we are the average of five people,” and more of “We are partly composed by the conversations we repeatedly enter.” My training upon entering the therapy field, and seeking remarkable people in the field, allowed me to see how we are composed by conversations. This vision helped me to see that the value of a mentor, a poet, a recovery sponsor, a therapist, an artist, a community. All of these and more become participants in the stories that shaped my life.

Now, I look to remarkable to people to help find signals in a noisy world. The challenge of our contemporary culture is not information scarcity but discernment. I believe remarkable people function as signal amplifiers. They point toward possibilities that are difficult to see from inside our own assumptions. They do not tell us what to think. They help us think differently. One reason people become stuck or struggle in the new now is that they remain surrounded by the same stories, assumptions, and interpretations.

It has become increasingly clear to me that new futures often require new and different conversations. And this is not because our current relationships are deficient, but because every community has blind spots. Remarkable people help us encounter perspectives that our current social world may not provide.

Now you might be wondering, how do I find these remarkable people? Some questions that might guide your way include:

Who are the people that help you see differently?

Whose life challenges your assumptions?

Who embodies qualities you want to cultivate?

Who makes you more curious?

Who expands your imagination?

Who helps you remember what matters?

Who has helped you become more yourself in ways you didn’t expect?

I am often asked where I get my ideas from or who inspires me. Well, they come from everywhere, and I don’t gatekeep. I always share where my influences come from. Who I find interesting, and people that have taught me to think differently. In my coming soon Dangerous Stories community I do a weekly newsletter where I spotlight what is capturing my attention, who I find remarkable, and who I am learning from.

I now believe that perhaps the question is not whether you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, but that a better question is, what conversations are composing you? And are those conversations helping you become the person you hope to be?

Peace.

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Two Weeks Until We Start The Next Cohort of The Virtual Futuring Sprint

Curious about the Dangerous Stories Virtual Futuring Sprint? Let me know if you have any questions or would like to participate.

The Sprint

· Four Sunday sessions: June 21, June 28, July 12, and July 19

· 9:00–11:00am PST (we’re skipping July 5th — take the holiday)

· Asynchronous work between sessions (roughly 2–3 hours per week)

· 15 participants maximum

· $699

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