Cringe City

Embarrassment at the Edge of a New Story

This week in our futuring sprint group one of the participants described an experience “cringe city” when detailing her scenario building and experimentation.

I get it. I spent a large part of my life trying to avoid embarrassment and cringe. When I was starting my journey going back to school in my local community college, I enrolled in a speech class for some general ed units. On the first day of class the professor went through the syllabus and let us all know that the final assignment of the class would be to give a presentation to the class. I promptly dropped the class. The thought of having to stand in front of the class and give a speech was too terrifying a proposition to go on.

I know! Look at me now.

Up until very recently if you were to ask me what my greatest fear was, I would have to admit it was being embarrassed. I couldn’t imagine a more horrible experience. But I have learned much in the last several years and have changed my opinion 180 degrees since.

So, when this participant shared her experience of cringe city, I was delighted.

Let me explain.

For those interested in liminal spaces and futuring, embarrassment may be, and often is, one of the signs that you are crossing a threshold. Putting on my narrative therapist hat I would argue that embarrassment or cringe function as a signal that we are at the limits of a familiar story. Embarrassment appears when our preferred or known identity can no longer contain what is happening. You are now in the place where you are acting beyond the social script that has organized your life so far. In that sense embarrassment is often a threshold emotion. It shows up at the border of between who we have been and who we might become.

Unfortunately, many people treat embarrassment as evidence they should retreat. I have seen too many people turn back in the face of cringe city. Abandoning dreams and hopes. It’s not fun to watch. But that sort of fear feels real. Embarrassment and cringe trigger the BIG fears of our lives. Such as:

I will be judged

I will be excluded

I will lose status

I will look foolish

I will discover I am not who I thought I was.

What began to change my mind about embarrassment and cringe was that I began to learn that my dreams and preferences for my life were on the other side of that fear. That the people I admired and looked up to seemed to be people that were willing to be embarrassed. And that every meaningful act of becoming carries some risk of looking ridiculous.

So, when our futuring sprint participant said she was experiencing cringe city, of course I was delighted. Because I now know what happens when people lean into cringe. Cringe is the cost of entry into something new. Cringe frequently happens at the intersection of vulnerability and aspiration. Think about it, growth requires enduring a period where we are visibly bad, uncertain, or worse, uncool.

What becomes possible if we risk being uncool?

Creativity expands.

One of the saddest things I experience is when so many creative projects die before they begin because people cannot tolerate the possibility of looking foolish. Every artist has to survive an awkward phase.

Realness increases.

People spend enormous energy managing impressions. Embarrassment tolerance allows a person to show up more honestly. If you haven’t seen it yet go watch the episode of Subway Takes with Austin Butler where he makes the argument that embarrassment is an under explored emotion.

Learning accelerates.

The fastest learners are often the people most willing to be bad at things publicly. This is a life hack supreme.

Relationships deepen.

Embarrassment creates opportunities for connection because it reveals our humanity.

Perfection is impressive.
Imperfection is relatable.

Freedom emerges.

One of the most liberating realizations is that most people are not thinking about us nearly as much as we imagine. Took me a while to figure this out, but when I did…

In the end, I have come to view embarrassment and cringe as not a warning sign but a trail marker. I look for it now. In myself and others. Because cringe often occurs when someone visibly wants something. They are enthusiastic. They are sincere. They are uncool. They are trying.

Peace.

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Curious about the Dangerous Stories Virtual Futuring Sprint? Let me know if you have any questions or would like to participate.

The Sprint

· Four Sunday sessions: June 21, June 28, July 12, and July 19

· 9:00–11:00am PST (we’re skipping July 5th — take the holiday)

· Asynchronous work between sessions (roughly 2–3 hours per week)

· 15 participants maximum

· $699